Why?

Why does it have to be this way?

I just don't understand.  I had a pretty good week, my weekend was a blast - and then, all of a sudden, just as things are finally getting good, the world crashes down on me.  In a split second, all of that happiness that took days to build up is gone, replaced by sadness so intense I cannot even cry.

There is a God.  Exactly 3 hours and 24 minutes ago, that was reaffirmed in my face.  And if anything's for sure, He hates me right now.  And you know what?  I wouldn't blame Him.

I may never forgive myself. 

Sometimes it's so tempting to take the coward's way out...just end it all...

But I can't.  Not like this, not with so many people who've passed on their unfulfilled dreams to me, not with my kid sister doomed to carry that burden if ever I disappear.  I can't, not with all the things I've left undone, not with the knots I've left untied, not with this whole life I'll leave hanging. 

I'm trying really hard.  Why is it that one little mistake can destroy everything I've worked so hard for? How can one single night erase and completely nullify the painstaking efforts of almost two damn years?  Why does it have to be this way?  Why does it have to end this way??

I'm so tired; right now, all I want to do is disappear.

====================

To the only person who could make me feel better, the one who promised he'd be there:  Where are you?  I need you now more than ever.  Please don't tell me I've lost you too...I would really die...

(hoping tomorrow ends up better)